Loving Ugly

From my last post, things and days continue to be surreal for me and I have taken comfort in filling my room with songs of praise and worship every day and night that I am in the home.

I have no idea what really is happening inside of me - except that I find myself in a strangely weak state and being drawn to spend more time with God. Perhaps it is that God’s way of stopping me in my tracks - because as much as i wanted to, left to myself, I couldn't, not wouldn't , couldn't stop and be still. I needed Him to break me, stop me.

On my day of MC , 13 Apr, for the first time in a long time, I finally got to really rest and spend good quality time in the hours just doing devotions and some research in the Word – and stumbled upon this set of  lyrics online:

"..cause i'm not who i was, when i took my first step, and I'm clinging to the promise that you're not through with me yet...'

The moment i read those words in red,  big fat tears started rolling down. I was shocked it came so fast, so furious. Memories of who I was and where I was when God first found me – the mess of a girl that didn’t know she was a mess. Memories of the valleys He took me through. Memories of those times of brokenness and loss.

But most of all, the overwhelming amazement that He had loved all the way from the start, ugly as I was with sin, insecurity and pride.

It’s easy to think well of people that are nice, altogether and god-loving, but my God thought well of me when I was mean, messed up and didn’t even think or cared if He existed.

If there are people who actually think well of the person I am now, I often think that it’s because of  whatever good that God has brought about in me.  But there is so much to say for the One that liked me, even before any good was in me and for that I am so grateful - Because there are days that I feel like who I was before and I wonder to myself, if anyone would even care about me and love Ms Ugly-every-now-and-then. And then I think of Jesus, and remember that He has loved me even then and will forever love.

I am grateful to my God, for loving the ugly me, not just the sanctified me because I lapse into ugly me every once in awhile. How beautiful and comforting it is, to have the assurance of a love that loved you in your ugliest!

As I thought about this more, it finally sunk in to me that, it is when we are at our ugliest, that love means the most.

I want to be loved in my ugliest me. And I thank God that I am, by Him. But now, it makes me think about how I can love the others around me, at their ugliest or in their ugly moments.

Subconsciously, I think we naturally drift towards those with mostly pretty moments and when ugly comes up, we judge. Well, at least, I do.  And I think that’s why people often feel bad, when they think they have behaved “uglily” because they think they will be judged, not loved, or loved less. And how terrible it is , because for as long as we are human, we will all have ugly moments - why does it surprise us then?  why should it surprise ME then? that i judge myself, and judge the people around me so?

I want to learn to love more instead of judge, when people’s ugly moments turn up. And I want to say sorry to everyone whom I have judged in the past when ugly came. I am sorry because I took away what you needed most in those moments. I have withheld what God has freely shown to me and given me my entire life. If i have caused you to feel judged or loved less before, I ask for your forgiveness.

I want to learn to love ugly, because loving ugly makes it beautiful over time. Just like Jesus loved me, ugly.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."- Romans 5:8

"Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God....For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?" - 1 Cor 4:5,7

Dear God, please forgive me for judging my brothers and sisters around me. i forget your love. thank you for loving ugly me, ur love made me beautiful. And when i de-beautify the work you have done in me, thank you for still loving me and not giving up. Please help me to love those around me in concrete ways like you do. when i want to speak in harsh tones, please give me words of graciousness. when i want to de-value a person in my mind because of a character flaw, pls remind me that i too, am imperfect. when someone makes a mistake, give me wisdom to protect their dignity and give a kind word. Put on my lips your words and wisdom to know when and how to correct, and when and how to encourage. Jesus, thank you. thank you. thank you for loving me. thank you. thank you. thank you. I love you.