From my last post, things and days continue to be surreal for me and I have taken comfort in filling my room with songs of praise and worship every day and night that I am in the home.
I honestly cannot describe what's happening to me, in side of me, because i do not know what is happening.. except that I find myself in a strangely weak state and being drawn to spend more time with God. Perhaps it is that God is stopping me in my tracks.. and it is good timing, marking the last 10 years with Him. Because as much as i wanted to, left to myself, I couldn't, not wouldn't , couldn't stop and be still. I needed Him to break me, stop me.
In my time of devotions and doing some online research on the scripture, i came across some lyrics that resonated with my soul:
".. 'cause i'm not who i was, when i took my first step, and i'm clinging to the promise that you're not through with me yet...'
The moment i read those words in red, big fat tears started rolling down. Memories of who I was and where i was when God first found me. Memories of the valleys He took me through, memories of those times of brokenness and loss. And gratitude. and love. and amazement that He loved me even then.
A broken girl, that thought I was altogether. Altogether because I had found means to somehow hold myself together. temporary bandaids, glue - pride, achievements, friends, good deeds. A girl that had a shiny resume, but harboured a secret hate for herself inside because she knew that no matter how good she was, she will never be good enough. the eating disorder that had grown into her identity in the last 3 years, was the least of her problems.
When she woke and looked in the mirror, she saw an ugly, fat girl. Nice, but ugly. No guy will ever like her and even if they did, it must be because they dont really know the real her. if they knew who she really was, surely, they would not like her. Because, she was never good enough.
Smart, hardworking but maybe all that was a cover up for the rest of her inadequacies. "Perhaps, if i worked hard enough, i can make up for my inadequacies", she would think. She would hide herself from the world, choosing to wear baggy men's shirts and jeans mostly. People would find her cheerful, and no one doubted that her life was otherwise. And on certain days, she could even convince herself that she was pretty good. But no matter what she did, nothing could remove that secret self-hate she had for herself. Some days, she wished she would die, but never had the courage to kill herself or go through the pain.
it may not be the way i would have chosen , when you lead me through a world that's not my home, but you never said it would be easy, you only said i'd never go alone"
I honestly cannot describe what's happening to me, in side of me, because i do not know what is happening.. except that I find myself in a strangely weak state and being drawn to spend more time with God. Perhaps it is that God is stopping me in my tracks.. and it is good timing, marking the last 10 years with Him. Because as much as i wanted to, left to myself, I couldn't, not wouldn't , couldn't stop and be still. I needed Him to break me, stop me.
In my time of devotions and doing some online research on the scripture, i came across some lyrics that resonated with my soul:
".. 'cause i'm not who i was, when i took my first step, and i'm clinging to the promise that you're not through with me yet...'
The moment i read those words in red, big fat tears started rolling down. Memories of who I was and where i was when God first found me. Memories of the valleys He took me through, memories of those times of brokenness and loss. And gratitude. and love. and amazement that He loved me even then.
A broken girl, that thought I was altogether. Altogether because I had found means to somehow hold myself together. temporary bandaids, glue - pride, achievements, friends, good deeds. A girl that had a shiny resume, but harboured a secret hate for herself inside because she knew that no matter how good she was, she will never be good enough. the eating disorder that had grown into her identity in the last 3 years, was the least of her problems.
When she woke and looked in the mirror, she saw an ugly, fat girl. Nice, but ugly. No guy will ever like her and even if they did, it must be because they dont really know the real her. if they knew who she really was, surely, they would not like her. Because, she was never good enough.
Smart, hardworking but maybe all that was a cover up for the rest of her inadequacies. "Perhaps, if i worked hard enough, i can make up for my inadequacies", she would think. She would hide herself from the world, choosing to wear baggy men's shirts and jeans mostly. People would find her cheerful, and no one doubted that her life was otherwise. And on certain days, she could even convince herself that she was pretty good. But no matter what she did, nothing could remove that secret self-hate she had for herself. Some days, she wished she would die, but never had the courage to kill herself or go through the pain.
it may not be the way i would have chosen , when you lead me through a world that's not my home, but you never said it would be easy, you only said i'd never go alone"
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