The last 2 weeks have been challenging, with a sudden influx of negative thoughts and emotion. I was angry and frustrated with situations around me, with God. Angry and frustrated because it just didn’t seem fair. A few things were happening at the same time, that had led me to feel and conclude that I was not getting the corresponding rewards and recognition for the effort I had been putting in those situations.
Overlooked. That’s the word.
I could hear my heart screaming within me about how unfair it was. I took it to God and without putting gloss over my words, I literally ranted before God like a mad fool. I was upset and frustrated with Him. Why should I do good work when it is not recognized which instead, seemingly gets me punished for it? (i shall not go into sordid details here)
I was angry and frustrated. I knew the right answers and I knew the respond I was supposed to have in situations like this, but honest to God, and being as real as can be, I was almost in tears with frustration.( did i mention i was angry and frustrated?) ‘Why me, Lord? What did I do wrong? Is giving my best wrong? Then why this result?’ I could almost hear the lyrics of the song from the musical, Wicked, “no good deed goes unpunished” playing through my mind as the theme song of the preparations of a huge pity party I was going to throw for myself.
Then, I was reminded of a post in multiply a long time ago, a sermon Ps Jim Laffoon preached and he spoke of the desert seasons God brings us through because in those seasons, God allows what is truly in the depths of our hearts to come forth. In our frustration, God teases out what is truly in our hearts, what we truly believe in. Things that we don’t want to believe that we really believe in but are unfortunately real.
In my case, I saw once again the ugly head of pride rearing. I saw the pride in my life - the pride that says “hey, I’m pretty good, I’m pretty smart, give good ideas and solutions and I honestly think I’m better than this other person”. The pride that says “I deserve the recognition due me, because of my effort, and , and, just because, I’m good!”
Whatever happened to believing that whatever is good is from God? That these talents are from God and are meant for him? Do I truly believe that I am working for God? Do I truly believe that HE is my rewarder and that promotion comes from him? Do I really believe that the talents I have are from Him? And if so, why do I behave like I own it and it’s all because of me that my achievements have come?
I have found what is really inside me still -- That I believe wrongly that I am something, even without God. And this is what the Bible has to say about it:
“If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. 4Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, 5for each one should carry his own load” - Gal 6:3-4
I was deceiving myself, and probably have been doing so for a very long time. And the world does a pretty good job in helping you keep up with this deception for a long time. You don’t have to look very far to discover that. E.g. magazines , TV.. they tell you what makes you a success, what makes you a failure. Look at the certificates institutions give out to tell you what you’ve achieved or ads that tell you certain cars, memberships are status symbols of success. Anything and everything, except God’s own affirmation. In my case, it is a title, reward or recognition. Perhaps for years I’ve been used to getting that form of recognition system – and for some reason, I’ve been blessed to have been part of a “fair and meritocratic system” in the past that worked.
But this “system” has also subtly led me to believe wrongly that I really am THAT good, that I can take credit for my achievements. That if I do A+B, then I should get C as my reward. That actually, if I put my mind and heart to doing something, I can achieve it – with or without God. And that last part is dangerous. Though there are clear instances and situations where I know it was clearly God’s working, especially in spiritual things (e.g. things related to ministry), it is actually the usual, daily and seemingly “non-spiritual” things like work (which form the large part of our lives) that we need to be aware of God’s working and intimate involvement. I think subconsciously, I had wrongly attributed the “success” of the rest of “non-spiritual” life, to my own “goodness” and “abilities”, largely because I had been doing pretty alright before I had known Christ ( forgetting that because God is gracious and loving, He blessed me even before I knew Him!)
This morning, my devotions led me to Phil 2:6-8
“Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
6Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
7but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross! “
Jesus made himself NOTHING. And He knew all the time He was on earth He truly was something - In fact, Jesus, wasn’t just something, He is GOD himself. He could have smited the people around him with just one sneeze or one blink of an eye or He could have teleported himself from the Cross to the crowd just to prove that point. He just chose not to.
Jesus MADE himself nothing. It was a choice. .To know that you are(or might be) something, but yet choose to make yourself nothing, that was the attitude our Lord carried. And that is the attitude that we should carry as His people, to make ourselves nothing, not just for the sake of being nothing, but so that we may serve others and serve the Lord. Earlier in the passage it goes:
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” – Philppians 2:3-4
Do NOTHING out of selfish or vain conceit or vainglory . Nothing. And to consider others better than ourselves. Yes, that colleague of yours who doesn’t seem to be performing as well and takes that extra time for lunch and breaks; that partner of yours who’s less ambitious; that friend of yours who’s a little more inconsiderate and always tardy, the auntie and uncle you just met that doesn’t seem very nice. Do you recognise your work as service unto God? Or selfish ambition to further your interests and get yourself recognized by others?
With Jesus, it was service, and love that made Him do what He did, not recognition or title. .What is driving me today to do what I do, really? .
There is nothing wrong in being recognized for the work you’ve done and we should always look out for ways to recognise and appreciate others, but when it doesn’t come, how do you respond? That’s when you know what is really driving you to do what you do. Do you genuinely believe that God is your ultimate rewarder? Or is it that boss or supervisor or teacher or friend or leader?
It feels terrible, this whole being overlooked thing of course. Nonetheless, I am thankful that feeling overlooked in this season has allowed me to see the well-camouflaged pride in my heart that if left unaddressed, could bring greater ruin in my life and others’ further down the road.
Pride, I have discovered, is like Medusa in my life. Each time I cut one head off, new ones seem to grow from it, branching out from other areas in my life. I keep discovering new areas that pride has grown. To win this battle, I must cut it at the root and the root stems from living out my beliefs – it means to die to my own selfish desires, ambitions and what I had thought were my personal rights, it needs to be handed over to God. All rights need to be now reserved, for God.
Easier said than done, of course. But it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t keep trying, with the grace of God.
“For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. “- Romans 12:3
"God creates out of nothing.Therefore until a man is nothing,God can make nothing out of him" - Martin Luther
Overlooked. That’s the word.
I could hear my heart screaming within me about how unfair it was. I took it to God and without putting gloss over my words, I literally ranted before God like a mad fool. I was upset and frustrated with Him. Why should I do good work when it is not recognized which instead, seemingly gets me punished for it? (i shall not go into sordid details here)
I was angry and frustrated. I knew the right answers and I knew the respond I was supposed to have in situations like this, but honest to God, and being as real as can be, I was almost in tears with frustration.( did i mention i was angry and frustrated?) ‘Why me, Lord? What did I do wrong? Is giving my best wrong? Then why this result?’ I could almost hear the lyrics of the song from the musical, Wicked, “no good deed goes unpunished” playing through my mind as the theme song of the preparations of a huge pity party I was going to throw for myself.
Then, I was reminded of a post in multiply a long time ago, a sermon Ps Jim Laffoon preached and he spoke of the desert seasons God brings us through because in those seasons, God allows what is truly in the depths of our hearts to come forth. In our frustration, God teases out what is truly in our hearts, what we truly believe in. Things that we don’t want to believe that we really believe in but are unfortunately real.
In my case, I saw once again the ugly head of pride rearing. I saw the pride in my life - the pride that says “hey, I’m pretty good, I’m pretty smart, give good ideas and solutions and I honestly think I’m better than this other person”. The pride that says “I deserve the recognition due me, because of my effort, and , and, just because, I’m good!”
Whatever happened to believing that whatever is good is from God? That these talents are from God and are meant for him? Do I truly believe that I am working for God? Do I truly believe that HE is my rewarder and that promotion comes from him? Do I really believe that the talents I have are from Him? And if so, why do I behave like I own it and it’s all because of me that my achievements have come?
I have found what is really inside me still -- That I believe wrongly that I am something, even without God. And this is what the Bible has to say about it:
“If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. 4Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, 5for each one should carry his own load” - Gal 6:3-4
I was deceiving myself, and probably have been doing so for a very long time. And the world does a pretty good job in helping you keep up with this deception for a long time. You don’t have to look very far to discover that. E.g. magazines , TV.. they tell you what makes you a success, what makes you a failure. Look at the certificates institutions give out to tell you what you’ve achieved or ads that tell you certain cars, memberships are status symbols of success. Anything and everything, except God’s own affirmation. In my case, it is a title, reward or recognition. Perhaps for years I’ve been used to getting that form of recognition system – and for some reason, I’ve been blessed to have been part of a “fair and meritocratic system” in the past that worked.
But this “system” has also subtly led me to believe wrongly that I really am THAT good, that I can take credit for my achievements. That if I do A+B, then I should get C as my reward. That actually, if I put my mind and heart to doing something, I can achieve it – with or without God. And that last part is dangerous. Though there are clear instances and situations where I know it was clearly God’s working, especially in spiritual things (e.g. things related to ministry), it is actually the usual, daily and seemingly “non-spiritual” things like work (which form the large part of our lives) that we need to be aware of God’s working and intimate involvement. I think subconsciously, I had wrongly attributed the “success” of the rest of “non-spiritual” life, to my own “goodness” and “abilities”, largely because I had been doing pretty alright before I had known Christ ( forgetting that because God is gracious and loving, He blessed me even before I knew Him!)
This morning, my devotions led me to Phil 2:6-8
“Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
6Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
7but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross! “
Jesus made himself NOTHING. And He knew all the time He was on earth He truly was something - In fact, Jesus, wasn’t just something, He is GOD himself. He could have smited the people around him with just one sneeze or one blink of an eye or He could have teleported himself from the Cross to the crowd just to prove that point. He just chose not to.
Jesus MADE himself nothing. It was a choice. .To know that you are(or might be) something, but yet choose to make yourself nothing, that was the attitude our Lord carried. And that is the attitude that we should carry as His people, to make ourselves nothing, not just for the sake of being nothing, but so that we may serve others and serve the Lord. Earlier in the passage it goes:
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” – Philppians 2:3-4
Do NOTHING out of selfish or vain conceit or vainglory . Nothing. And to consider others better than ourselves. Yes, that colleague of yours who doesn’t seem to be performing as well and takes that extra time for lunch and breaks; that partner of yours who’s less ambitious; that friend of yours who’s a little more inconsiderate and always tardy, the auntie and uncle you just met that doesn’t seem very nice. Do you recognise your work as service unto God? Or selfish ambition to further your interests and get yourself recognized by others?
With Jesus, it was service, and love that made Him do what He did, not recognition or title. .What is driving me today to do what I do, really? .
There is nothing wrong in being recognized for the work you’ve done and we should always look out for ways to recognise and appreciate others, but when it doesn’t come, how do you respond? That’s when you know what is really driving you to do what you do. Do you genuinely believe that God is your ultimate rewarder? Or is it that boss or supervisor or teacher or friend or leader?
It feels terrible, this whole being overlooked thing of course. Nonetheless, I am thankful that feeling overlooked in this season has allowed me to see the well-camouflaged pride in my heart that if left unaddressed, could bring greater ruin in my life and others’ further down the road.
Pride, I have discovered, is like Medusa in my life. Each time I cut one head off, new ones seem to grow from it, branching out from other areas in my life. I keep discovering new areas that pride has grown. To win this battle, I must cut it at the root and the root stems from living out my beliefs – it means to die to my own selfish desires, ambitions and what I had thought were my personal rights, it needs to be handed over to God. All rights need to be now reserved, for God.
Easier said than done, of course. But it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t keep trying, with the grace of God.
“For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. “- Romans 12:3
"God creates out of nothing.Therefore until a man is nothing,God can make nothing out of him" - Martin Luther
Great post Ivy...
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting this Ate Ivy! I think everybody needs to be reminded of this. I hope you feel better :) *hugs*
ReplyDeleteHey Ivy, thanks for sharing your heart. As one who does not read blogs much, I am glad I read this one! It really ministered to me!
ReplyDeletethanks everyone! Just wanted to update, that i just found out today that i've been promoted and got a performance bonus from my organisation (bonus was totally unexpected). at the moment, im feeling extremely sorry towards God (for my behavior above) and grateful at the same time - conflict in emotions. our God is faithful!
ReplyDelete