Everything Means Nothing If I Ain't Got You

So, since the start of 2009, I’ve begun a journey of discovering or rediscovering my passions and purpose after living most of my life under obligations and certain false responsibilities.

 

The realization that it had become a problem came when I could not respond to the question “What do you love doing?” I didn’t know. It was a question that I never really spent time thinking about. It was a question secondary to “What’s the right thing to do? What needs to be done?" What I loved doing had become, by nature, an unnecessary question.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I still believe that the questions of “What’s the right thing to do? What needs to be done?” still needs to be asked and responded to appropriately. The problem arises when you do not even know your own desires, then your life is filled with false choices, and all you do is to react automatically to do what you think is right and necessary. Why is it not a real choice? Because now you know no alternative. You have forgotten that there is one. It becomes robotic, no longer human, no longer exercising the God-given free will daily. It is not that I have been doing things that I do not love all along, but it is that the conditioning that I am just to do what is right and necessary all the time has caused me to not even consider whether I am enjoying what I am doing or not. Hence, the passion, or the awareness of it, slowly dies. Devoid of passion and real choice, both of which are given by God, a person is no longer truly living, truly alive.

 

No doubt that in doing what I believe to be right and what I felt I needed to do vs wanted to do has always kept me on the straight path and I surely have avoided much heartache, but I have come to realize that this does not equate to a life worth living. It is a path of safety with no risk taken, a path of responsibility without joy, it is a path, that doesn’t need much of God in your life.

 

It has taken me this long to realize that most choices in life, apart from what the Bible calls outright sin, are neither wrong nor right. They are just different. And God leaves us the choice. His love does not diminish in one choice over the other. His grace is abundant and love ever more. And even if you ever went off the His plans and purposes for your life, the Holy Spirit will gently lead you back. You will never go significantly “off course” if your heart is a heart that desires to honor Him in all you do. A life with God doesn’t mean that you’ll never make mistakes or wrong choices, it just means that He’ll be with you through it all and make your life richer for it.

 

So armed with this new revelation, in the last 3 months, I’ve gone to pursue some of the passions I’ve discovered: I’ve backpacked alone to Japan and started a new job that allows me to travel and meet people in and who does work in developing countries. I’ve seen the prettiest cherry blossoms and seen Mt Fuji in full view in winter. I’ve tried Lonely Planet’s recommended dishes and gotten lost in Japan’s massive train stations. I’ve been to places in India that I doubt many foreigners have ever gone before, and taught the alphabet song to pre-school teachers that have never heard of it. I've met an amazing community of HIV positive women, I’ve wandered the streets of Bangalore and Kolkata alone and eaten food that I’d never eat in SG (my mother would have been so proud of me if she saw the vegetables and spices I ate!). and I’m still discovering new passions that I want to pursue!  It’s almost as if God had unleashed all these passions unbridled all at once.

 

I have always thought that I would be able to gain much fulfillment by going through various experiences in sights and sounds, meeting people from around and doing things for others that would improve their lives. Yet after what I’ve done in the last 3 months, and though they are not very much, I have come to conclude that even if I were to view the most beautiful sunrise and the grandest horizon and even if I aid a thousand needy people or drastically improve their lives, but I do not have the presence of God with me and the assurance that this is His will, it is meaningless. It is not that God withdraws His presence or love when we do not walk in His will, but there is a different sense of joy and fulfillment when you sense His pleasure and encouragement when you are walking in it.

 

In the process of rediscovering my passions, I have also rediscovered my need for God. That it is not what I do that gives me fulfillment and purpose ultimately, but it is living and walking in His presence and pleasure that brings me the fulfillment I so desperately seek. Apart from His presence, there can be no meaningful purpose and no lasting passion.

 

 

Dear God,

everything means nothing, if I aint’ got You.

As I continue  in the journey of discovering the passions you have placed in my heart and learn to truly live, please help me to be led by the Holy Spirit and not my passions alone.

^“Create in me a pure heart, O God,
       and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

 Do not cast me from your presence
       or take your Holy Spirit from me.

 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
       and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.”

Ps 51:10-12