Just To Clarify.. Yes, Im OK!

haha

U noe wat. it just dawned on me that as i read the last 2 entries of mine: Unbearable Being of Me and Confusion, Disappointment and Conviction.. that i might have come across as if I'm depressed right now or just recently been disappointed by people. Thanks for those who've expressed concerned or i suspect are mulling in their minds if Ivy is ok.

I am! :) In fact, actually i'm quite enjoying this season of reflection. but so why am I reflecting this now? a few factors:

One, is the fact that i just turned 27 this 2 Nov 06 and i wanted to take time to reflect on my last 6 years' walk with God since i received Christ into my life on 8 April 2000. It has been such an adventure with God these last 6 years.. never one dull moment. I remember talking to Geraldine and she passed a comment that it seems that each time we meet up to catch up.. there's always something exciting in my life. haha

From Atheist, to Free Thinker, to a "Try first see if this thing is for real" believer, to Christian Witness of reality of God, to a trailing Follower of Christ, to Committed Disciple of Christ and hopefully, more and more so, Lover of God. Each step bringing me to the reality of life and also hope.

Two, is that since coming to know Him, i've always wanted to operate in the spiritual gifts in greater measure, not because so i can show pp im like really a christian or spiritual or wat..but because i really want other pp to experience the reality of Him through prophecy or through healing.  1 Cor 13 speaks of the motive behind the exercise of spiritual giftings:

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If
I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all
knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not
love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,^[but have not love, I gain nothing...Love never fails. But where
there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they
will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away...And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

The greatest of these is love.. but yet it is the very thing that has been most elusive for me. I came to a greater awareness of this lack this season simply because i have been placed in situations that require me to meet more pp and i realise that though i can be loving in my ways and i do want to love genuinely, there's still a sense of disconnect. So when i came across my friend, Ann's blog about compassion and pain, it struck a chord in me. I want to keep growing in my relationship with God and in doing so, i need to learn to love the people He loves as well, His way, not mine. Only one goal in life, to be more Christ like.. and it takes so much of dying of myself! Sometimes i just wished i met Him earlier, then perhaps there would be less of me to die?? Truly, to each of us, our very own crosses to carry and follow Him.

Three, a growing awareness of needing to be real. More than being Relevant to the world, i want to be Real to the world. For the longest time.. i've strived for perfection, a perversion of excellence.. and it sounds crazy.. but i started my walk w God wanting to be the Perfect Christian! haha truly a 'dream catch' for a church? hahaha. Not that that it turned out to be entirely bad,coz it did help to keep me going on for some time.. until i realised that God loves me too much to allow my walk w Him to be performance based. That He loves me. Full stop. To deny the realness of my pain and struggles for an outward picture perfect facade of a strong Christian so i wont 'stumble' anyone, denied me to experience the full depth and richness of a living relationship with Jesus and other pp around me - the true abundant life that God created for us to have. Yup, I've come to realise that following Christ is not just a matter of doing what's good and best and right, but more than that, it is to come into the richness of being and living as God meant us to.

What can i say? GOD, is the awesome-st. Daily He draws me, draws all of us out! Not only to be aware of where He wants us to be, but daily walks us through it.

I want to be like my God, Jesus. Very real, very much alive :)