A very odd but pleasantly quiet one. Not just in terms of activites, though that is true, but in my soul it almost feels like there is a steady beat of… stillness.
I’m not anxious, not worried about getting gifts to xyz, whether I'm fair in my gifts, not worried about how I must make sure everyone is engaged in a party, not worried if food is enough or not or if I am maximizing my time, my giftings, not worried if i'm being a good daughter/sister/friend/mentor/employee... but only a clear certainty of focus on being with God whatever it is I am doing.
Maybe it’s a part of the longing to just be with Him, that keeps me un-worried. Where everything else, is secondary.
I like this state of rest.. no MUSTs, SHOULDS, OUGHTS, IFs. No more planning, anticipating, thinking one step ahead. Only "yes, I can", "No I can’t" and "it’s okay" I love the feeling of acceptance, quietness, stillness. The feeling of how everything really is okay. Wrapping up things. No more false responsibilities. Unwinding. Fullness of just being.
No need to prove anything to myself, or to anyone. No longer disturbed by others' impressions of who I am, was, nor to feel compelled to correct those impressions. No more justifying situations or myself.
To be able to accept my mistakes, failures. To be able say I failed, and be okay with it. To know that I dont need to make PERFECT choices all the time, cos not all situations have PERFECT choices. And if there was a PERFECT choice and I did not make it, it's okay.
It is all okay, because my God has accepted me, just as I am - He sees past all my achievements and failures, all the accolades and mistakes. He is not intimidated, He is not punishing. The feeling of being accepted by God, and then coming to terms with myself -- to come to accept myself just as He has accepted me.
Laying down of things, dreams, hopes, entrusting it to One. Saying goodbye. And not sure what is ahead to welcome, but it is okay. It really is.
My heart is at rest, at last.
My Savior and Lord is here, Emmanuel, God with Us.
Merry Christmas, everyone :)
Psalm 131:2 "But I have calmed and quieted myself, I am like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child I am content."
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