A Stumbling Block and Gift

One of the greatest stumbling blocks in my walk with God is my mind - an over-rational, over-"educated" mind. It takes a great deal of discipline in the spirit and faith to try not to second guess God's work in my life or rationalise His "most possible" will or most "reasonable" course of action that a God like Him would take in my life -- it is almost as if i have this equation in mind, that throws in factors like: "if God is like this, and has done this and that and if He knows i'm like this,then, the answer must be 'X'" - i mean, surely i've God figured out by now!

Now the above has somewhat served me well when it comes to decisions that are clearly guided by the Word - his commandments in relationship to how to treat others ( the body of christ, leaders, the lost, parents and children, Jews and Gentiles, slave and master, the powerful or the poor), how we are to view our work as well as our identity in Him. The obedience and embracing to such commandments formed the bulk of the challenges that marked my earlier walk with God and by His grace and His latitude of mercy in my life they continue to be overcome gradually in an easier manner than when i first started out.

However, as i continued this journey with Christ over the years, a new challenge has surfaced - i found that there were some decisions that had no equation. there was no right or wrong answer, there are no specific scripture i could quote from the Bible, and THAT was a problem for me cos now i could no longer lean solely on just following the Word alone, but I had to learn to also lean on the Spirit, and learn to keep in step with Him.

How stressful it is for this being that has relied on her mind so much! There is now no manual to study, no "textbook" that helps me make some decisions in life.. there is no other way but to go to the Writer of the manual, the Holder of the secrets of the universe, my Creator Himself and hear it straight from Him! Now it is not that I don't believe that God has spoken to me or through me before, I know He has, but it's almost as if He has raised the bar now, and there's a new "frequency" of His speaking that He is wanting me to tune into, not because He's trying to make me more "spiritual" of whatever, but He knows that there is still much leaning away i need from my own understanding unto Him! But alas, it is easier said than done.. because this mind of mine continues to be such a stumbling block! This rationale mind clicks away, processes and analyses and at the end of it, all that's left is "processed", unhealthy spiritual "food".. added MSG, additives and other unnecessary stuff that produces what Ajinomoto is to the food industry - enhanced satisfaction for the moment but leaves you thirsty for the real thing all the more.

Anyhow, after months and months of what i believe to be seeking God's will on my own terms, getting frustrated and upset with myself and wanting Him and running away from Him and various degrees of helplessness and feelings of loss.. in my devotional time just last Thursday night i prayed a prayer that went something like this " Lord, i don't want to second guess your thoughts for me or what you are saying to me and i don't want to think, analyse, process anymore. I don't want to, Lord, please speak to me clearly, so i know irrefutably that You are speaking to me!"

The next morning, a dear friend of mine whom i've hardly had the chance to catch up with popped up on MSN chat, and as our chat went on, we got to sharing about our present relationship with God and i could already see how God was leading our conversation to His answering my prayer. I shall save the gory details but how refreshing it is to be able to be honest about things that matter most to you, one soul to another! And that was just the beginning, because when Friday Nite Life rolled around in the evening, everything that Ps Charles Curtis was sharing was right what i needed to hear and be reminded of this season! Some sound bites that spoke to me:

" God never forces His will unto our lives, He waits for us to invite His will in"

" The greek word for "know" in John 17:3 is 'ginoskos' - an intimate knowing beyond the intellect; experiential knowledge"

"Do you enjoy God? cos He's really enjoying you"

"'Isa 12:3 - therefore with JOY you will draw water from the wells of salvation...' we need a fresh baptism of joy and rejoicing!"

The next day, i received an email from the same friend whom i had chatted on MSN with. The contents of the email could only be best described as a further confirmation of what God had spoken through Ps Charles the night before, but i think more than the content, i was deeply moved by the fact that a friend took time to pray for me and seek God on my behalf, AND type that wonderful long email to me. A note from my recent reading from the book "To Live Is Christ" says that God will often show up right where we are looking, or in a way that we can relate with, because He does not will for any one to miss Him. All that simply because He is just SO gracious and His mercy SO unbounded :*)

I am not saying that simply by the course of the above events, i have overcome the new challenge I am facing now to grow in Christ, but I am ever grateful to Him, because I know actually He is the One doing most of the work in pulling me from one level of intimacy to the next with Him.. and He sends His messengers along the way to remind me. How merciful and kind is our God!!

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." - Philippians 3:12

Whoever said knowledge is power, has surely yet to learn to walk leaning fully on the Spirit and in the power of God. Philippians 3:3-10 has never meant more to me than it does this present moment and as the above scripture goes, though I have surely not obtained what Philippians 3 described, by the grace of God, i will press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me that fateful day 9 years ago. So help me God.